Rules everyone on the EnterpriseD should know
by Zelda12343
Summary: A list of rules and regulations for the many people aboard the Enterprise-D. Inspired in part by Saphura's 'The Official List of Unofficial Rules'. T Rating for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**1**

**Author's note: **_If anyone is familiar with the TOS fanbase, they are most likely familiar with Saphura's _The Official List of Unofficial Rules. _If you aren't, it's worth getting into the TOS fandom just to read it. It's one of the funniest fanfiction lists of all time._

_Anyhow, this list is based on hers, and it's basically things forbidden on the _USS Enterprise-D (NCC-1701-D). _It's not that funny, and I really don't have many rules written, but please enjoy and send in your requests to keep the fic alive._

**Disclaimer: **_Nope. I don't own Star Trek: The Next Generation or even the idea for this fic._

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><p>-Yes, Captain Picard wears a red shirt. No, that doesn't make him a redshirt.<p>

-The same goes for Commander Riker.

-Don't start a petition to get girls back into short skirts. Feminism doesn't need to be set back after how far it's come.

-Don't hide Geordi's VISOR and tell your higher-up you guys were playing a game.

-There is no "bring your child to work day". Picard would probably have a fit if there were.

-There are no cooking competitions on the Enterprise.

-And we don't need them either, so stop trying to organize them.

-No, Edward Cullen is not on the ship.

-No, Data is not Edward.

-Yes, they might be EXTREMELY similar (pale, gold-eyed, hair a similar color, a super mega giant squadron of fangirls), but Gene Roddenberry and Stephanie Meyer weren't in cahoots.

-Worf isn't a barbarian.

-He's not related to a Wookie either.  
>-What IS a Wookie, anyhow?<p>

-Do NOT encourage Lwaxana Troi. You will be sorry.

-We are staying AWAY from Vagra II

-No, Starfleet command is not being overrun by parasites. It was only that one time.

-No dressing in drag while on duty.

-Do not mess with Data's modesty subroutines.

-We want the alliance with the Klingon empire to remain intact, so we don't like it if your actions endanger it.

-Kentucky Fried Gagh would not be a great example of 24th century fast food, it would be disgusting. So don't try starting it.  
>-Just as a side note: even Worf agrees with that estimate.<p>

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><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>_Love it? Hate it? Please review!_


	2. Chapter 2

-Picard's head is not a reflective surface (or at least, it should not be used as such.)*

-Klingons don't like tribbles. Especially in their quarters. Klingons are dangerous when provoked. You get it.*

-Data is an android, not a robot.*  
>-Or a toaster.*<br>-Or a pocket calculator.*  
>-Or any other similar device.*<p>

-No slouching in the chairs on the bridge, no matter how comfortable they are.*

-Geordi's VISOR is not a pair of cool sunglasses.*

-Do not break into the stash of real alcohol behind the bar. Guinan has a phaser rifle and is not afraid to use it.*

-Do NOT make out in the turbolift.

-Please do not broadcast any sort of sound effect over the intercom

-Whoever uploaded the (clearly photoshopped) pictures of the senior officers to Spacebook can take them down. NOW!

-Do not rickroll the Romulans

-Don't ask Q to freeze someone, no matter how annoying/mean they were

-Stop sending Capt. Picard cans of Rogaine, he doesn't find it amusing (and he never did, for that matter).**

-Stop bribing the children to go onto the bridge and sit in Picard's chair.

-While we're on the subject of Q, he asks whoever is prank-calling him regularly to quit it.

-Stop beaming the fangirls into Data's quarters.

-Stop beaming the fangirls into Picard's quarters.

-Stop beaming the girls armed with maces and ball-and-chains into Wesley's quarters.

-O'Brien never has been or never will be after your lucky charms.

-And just because he's Irish doesn't mean he'll dress up as a leprechaun on St. Patrick's day.

-There is nobody named "Lt. Broccoli" serving aboard the Enterprise  
>-Reginald Barclay is included in this count<p>

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><p><strong><strong>_In this chapter, any rules marked with a * are attributed to _Hermione-of-Vulcan. _Any rules marked with a ** are attributed to _Saphura.

_So what did you think? Were they as funny as last time?_


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

**Author's note: **_Yayz, more rules! And a couple of comments. On a later rule, the discussion under the rules kind of spirals out of control... But that's not up here. Would anyone be willing to read a version of this in which every rule is discussed with silly commentary by senior officers and regular crew? Eh, just an idea. _

_Anyways, I need to apologize for not posting this earlier. I've been taking a run around other fanbases, as evinced by a reference later on. If anyone finds it, tell in a review and you get a virtual cookie! Yay for virtual cookies!_

_And now, on to the rules._

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><p>-Deanna isn't a goddess<p>

-If you put Geordi's visor on, it will not make you have infrared vision.

-This means "don't try it," not "try to prove us wrong"

-There will never be a toga party on the Enterprise, so spare yourself the trouble and don't even ask

-Saucer separations are only to be attempted during critical situations, not because you want to take the stardrive section for a joyride.

-"Shut up, Wesley!" was only funny when Picard did it. Do us all the favor and don't try copying it.  
>-Even though we all want Wesley to shut up.<p>

-Please do NOT mention the Borg.

-Cosplaying as Locutus of Borg is just bad taste.  
>-And if Picard doesn't get you, his senior officers will.<p>

-There is no one named Charles Xavier on the Enterprise.  
>-By extension, Charles Xavier is not our captain. Jean-Luc Picard is.<p>

-NO warp bubbles are allowed on the Enterprise

-Quit with the evil twin jokes around Data. Even if he's not upset by them, they're uncalled for  
>-Evil triplet jokes? Really?<p>

-Don't call Dr. Pulaski the "special guest doctor". She was a full-fledged member of the crew, if only for a year.

-Super glue, a wig, and Captain Picard should never be together in plans for pranks that would almost certainly get you kicked out of Starfleet.

-Riker likes his beard. You're not doing him a favor if you shave it off while he's sleeping.

-Deanna's the only one who can wear anything other than standard regulation uniform. Meaning you must dress appropriately for duty.

-Saying "screw the prime directive" is a big no-no.  
>-James T. Kirk would like it. Picard's SO boring.<p>

-Captain Picard is not boring.

-Please don't sing 'the song that never ends' to see how long it takes to drive (insert name here) crazy

-Hitting on the senior officers is never okay  
>-Yes, even Riker.<p>

-Setting up any senior officer with ANYONE ELSE (i.e yourself, another senior officer, someone on a different ship, an object of their affection, or Q) isn't okay either.

-Tasha Yar and Data slept together. There. Now stop asking him about it.

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><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>_Are they starting to get funnier? Let me know in a review and thanks a billion in advance!_


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

**Author's note: **_Since the last installment, I wrote a lot of rules that caused me to nearly laugh myself silly when I wrote them…_

_Also, the reference in the last set to a different fanbase was to X-Men._

_Finally, what would all of you guys say to a High-School AU of Sorts? I'd like to heait opinions. _

_Alright, here I go. Enough shameless self-promotion._

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><p>-Whoever used the holodeck to create a 21st century stripclub, don't. Just don't.*<br>-I don't care if Riker wants in, just say no.*

-Don't dress up as a Borg for Halloween. Picard almost killed the last guy to do that. The guy before that...eh, that's classified.*

-Replacing Spot with a "Webkinz" doll is dumb. So, once again, just don't.*

-No whoopie cushions on the bridge.**

-No Chinese finger toys on the bridge.**

-Nothing other than what is absolutely necessary on the bridge

-When using the holodeck always ALWAYS use safety protocols!***

-As much as you love that hologram, you cannot use the transporters to take them off the holodeck. We're not even sure that works anyway.***

-Yes, Data has an off switch. No, he will not tell you where it is.***  
>-Although he will note that the crude rumors flying around are false.***<p>

-Whoever started the betting pool on when and if Commander Riker and Counselor Troi wil get back together is advised to disband it immediately.***

-Same goes for the one about the captain and Dr. Crusher, if you value your life.***

-"He doesn't get mad about it!" is no excuse to play pranks on Data.***

-Stop disabling the security mechanisms on the door to Data's quarters. Spot has escaped three times and, more importantly, fangirls have gotten in nine times.***

-Commander Riker's pickup lines are to be used by commander Riker only

-Starfleet command isn't evil, Just a little misguided sometimes

-Stop offering Picard ANY hair-care products.

-Alright, which of you decided it would be cute to boycott the transporter?

-'lunkhead' is not something you call the captain.

-You cannot start a "Bring your parent to work day"

-You cannot borrow captain Picard for said "Bring your parent to work day". Hopefully, he already knows what you do anyway.

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><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>_Rules marked with a * are attributed to _Suggestions. _Rules with a ** are attributed to _Spacecadet777. _Rules with a *** are attributed to _hermione-of-Vulcan. _As always, I value whatever suggestions you may have and beg you to keep 'em coming. You guys do not know how much you're helping this fic!_


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